A love/hat relationship

Hats are bizarre.

They can make a man look cool, but just easily make him look like a bell-end.

According to scientific research*, each style of hat (which isn't an ordinary baseball cap) will only look good on approximately 2% of the population. They're not very good odds.

So, if you're trying to look like Bogart, don't even bother. It probably won't work.

NNNAAIIILLEEDD IT!

The same goes for snapbacks.

I judge people based on how they dress (as everyone does), and whether the hat suits you or not, to me snapbacks are a sign of douchery. Seeing as you all where them, I will say that if I know you and you wear them, I don't care - they quite often look good. But if I don't know you, and that's the first impression I get - it won't be a good one.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I can't wear one without looking like a juicy turd.

What's even worse is when people where these hats inside and sit back thinking 'OH MY GOD IM SO FLY I HAVE SUN PROTECTION ON INDOORS IM SO GODDAMN SEXY I CANT EVEN COMPREHEND IT'. Dude. Come on. You look like a twat.

For starters, why is it necessary to wear it inside?

Secondly, our cultural etiquette states that wearing a hat indoors is rude. I don't see why, in fact I think it kind of dumb, but I like a lot of the chivalrous old-style etiquette and I hate seeing it die out.

Such a simple scene, but this is my favourite scene from all of Mad Men. Embedding has been disabled, so click here to watch it instead.

If you want to be cool, follow one simple rule:

BE DON DRAPER

I can see only one solution to these dilemmas.

Use sunscreen instead.

______________________

*that never took place

______________________

Edit: I just remembered that even the Sopranos takes a shot:

Lyk dis if you fink rb-b is bootiful xx

Rory's recipe for success on facebook:

Step One: Post a picture of someone with a disease, or cancer, or something that makes their physical appearance less than desirable.

Step Two: Set the caption as: 'Like and Share if you think this person is beautiful xx'.

Step Three: Sit back and watch the likes go up at an astronomical rate.

With this logic an image of John C Reilly could crash Facebook's servers.

Do these people actually look physically beautiful?

No.

Do we have any proof that these people are beautiful on the inside?

No.

In fact, philosopher Thomas Hobbes claimed that man is inherently evil - so the odds aren't in their favour. Heck, not all people diagnosed with cancer start to cherish life.

So why is it that these posts get more likes than I've ever seen on anything else? Because people want to look like they have a heart. I've noticed that most of the times (not all), its the image-obsessed dicks who like these images. The selfie-obsessed turds who care about themselves and no-one else. The ones who treat genuinely nice nerds like crap. Not the people who are genuinely nice people.

The same goes for liking pictures of aborted foetuses and tortured animals. The only thing you're doing is making me scroll faster.

I look like a heartless douche for this post, but its one of those things that really annoys me. If you want to show that you support the fight against cancer, donate a dollar to charity - don't sit at your computer thinking you're the archangel.

You can call me 'Mister Anthrope'

The rise of the idiots is upon us.

I guess there's always been a lot of bogan idiots in Australia, that's pretty much what we pride ourselves as a nation on, but its never really affected me before.

But thanks to Social Networking (and being a part of the State School system) its pretty much impossible to escape from.

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE

Today's textual tirade targets two types of these twits that tick me right off.

First off is the illiterate chain smoking/binge drinking dregs who feel the world needs to know of their intoxicant fetishes.

Oh you bought a Jaguar, did you?

Now, I like a drink as much as the next man, so I assume that I am missing a crucial part of the human genetic make-up - the part that makes me think it necessary to tell the world:

"I AM A MASSIVE BOGAN!"

The amount of tumblrs in which the entire bio fits a standard template is quite ridiculous.

Name:

Age:

Location:

I SMOKE WEED AND DURRIES AND DRINK ALCOHOL ^_^

If you aren't going to listen to this source (who is clearly a famed academic),

at least shut the hell up.

Secondly, I'd like to extend another 'shut the hell up' to those who feel that their uneducated opinions hold more weight than anyone else's.

Whenever a big event takes place - whether it be the death of a famous figure, a change in politics or economic collapse - teens with absolutely zero facts to back up their claims scuttle out from their nests and post their ridiculous views on the internet for all to see.

They then proceed to argue amongst themselves erupting into what appears to be a scene from '12 Angry Men'.

And guess who won the argument in that movie?

THE GUY WHO KNEW HE WASN'T DEFINITELY RIGHT

Natural selection, please extend your mighty hand this way.

You've probably never heard of her...

"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist."

- Ayn Rand (foreseeing the Rise of the Indies by nearly a century)

Correcting they're statuses? Your really smart.

The English language and the internet don't work well together.

Its really not hard to find a grammatical error on the web, they're is probably at least one on every page you read.

Especially on facebook.

Woah nelly.

You'll find that almost every second status has some incorrectly using words.

Your & You're.

Their, There & They're.

Its & It's.

Its pretty friggen annoying.

But do you know what's worse?

The intellectually gifted mastermind who can pick up on these insignificant grammatical flaws and correct the person on them.

Not even weaving in a hilariously subtle joke, rather commenting with a simple asterix followed by the correct word.

your.

The concept which I have trouble grasping, is why these pimples feel the need to make such corrections?

Does it feed the ego? Pathetic if it does.

Does it make them look smart? No.

Wait, strike that. It makes them look as sexy as Stephen Hawking, so in a way it kind of does make them look smart.

'I'm flying with fast food!'

Oh mortal, how you're insolence amuses me.

Yeah mate, yeah.

Why do songwriters think that the word 'yeah' is cool?

It's a load of dick.

The amount of songs which predominately feature the word 'yeah' is ridiculous.

And that's only the songs with only the word 'yeah'.

Doesn't even include 'yeh', 'yer' or 'oh yeah'.

Admittedly, back in the day my favourite song was a twelve-bar-blues where the lyrics were:

"Yeah" (x12) repeat as desired.

But then again, this was from a time when I thought that this was badass:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q7FFjUpVLg

Now, I desire nothing more than for less songs to be about a word which simply is an agreement.

Now, I'd rather be on the Challenger Space Shuttle than listen to that song again.

Misinterpretation.

I love puns.

I love double-entendres.

And so, I heart using the word seminal in assignments.

In my analysis of Noir and Neo-Noir films for a university assingment, I wrote:

"Miller and Rodriguez clearly draw their inspiration from the films of the noir movement, in particular Billy Wilder’s seminal work."

Obviously, as you all know, by seminal work, I'm referring to the 1944 classic 'Double Indemnity'.

My god, it is brilliant.

According to my faithful dictionary, seminal means "(of a work, event, moment, or figure) strongly influencing later developments : his seminal work on chaos theory."

But of course, there is another meaning. And being the foolish little schoolboy I pray that my tutor misinterprets it.

I've been told by many that my maturity is my best quality.

I've since realised that that is an insult.

nature's alcoholics.

You know what's a waste of space?

Midges.

You know the mosquitoes that are about the size of my dignity?

Yeah, them.

An artist's representation of a midge

Seriously, what do they live for?

I mean, I can understand mosquitoes, I don't like them, but I see that they fly around and live on blood.

Kinda like the fish from Piranha II: The Spawning

But seriously, what the hell do midges do?

Are they like Spike from Season 4-7 of Buffy?

Because, they never drink blood.

Ever.

They never land.

Ever.

They just fly around like they'd be blowing 0.999 on a RBT.

Things to note from the above:

1. The fly lands, walks and then flies off.

2. The midge flies around like a retard, comes oh so close to the arm but never touches.

3. That sexy muscle and the manly hair on my arm.

I've come to the conclusion that midges are mosquitoes, who are so depressed in their genetic abnormality (which is their small size) that they fall into a spiral of alcoholism.

I wonder if they fly home and mercilessly beat their wives and children?

cAPITAL pUNISHMENT

whoever invented the english language was a fool.

why, i hear you ask.

because they invented capital letters.

now i ask you, why are they necessary?

seriously though, think about it.

name me one instance where they are absolutely necessary.

sure, in some cases, a nice ol' capital X can look pretty badass.

and in other cases capitals can neaten up a bland-looking paragraph.

strangely enough, a nice ol' picture of dr phibes can make

any paragraph look wickedgnarlyradical.

my main gripe with capital letters is the ease to misuse them:

1. caps lock - TYPING WORDS IN CAPS LOCK MAKES ME READ IT AS IF SOMEONE IS YELLING AT ME.
2. caps lock (feat. shift key) - fORGETTING THAT YOU HAVE CAPS LOCK ON, YET STILL ATTEMPTING TO USE CAPITALS IN THE CORRECT PLACES MAKES YOU LOOK ABOUT AS INTELLIGENT AS A SNOWMAN MADE OF HUMAN FAECES. fOOL.
3. capitalising every word - Not Everything Is A Title, Jackass.
4. capitalising every second letter - wOuLd YoU hApPeN tO hAvE a MeNtAl ReTaRdAtIoN?

i really don't see the need for capital letters, it just doubles the amount of learning those poor year one children have to learn.

once, just once, think of the children.

Boosh, Boosh Stronger than a Moose

pro tip: clicky clicky on the image to see it in eye-popping 2D.

Above: Why I want to get into Screenwriting.

Wikipedia is good. [citation needed]

Wiki gets a bad rap.

Why can't it be used in assignments?

'Its not a credible source of information'

It cites everything to credible sources, and HOW IS IT ANY LESS CREDIBLE THAN ANY OTHER WEBSITE?

'Anyone can edit it'

Guess what the internet is, dribbledick.

Everything can be edited by anyone; so stop being dicky to poor ol' wiki.

'Did you know: The common bumblebee has a 10 inch penis?'

You read it online, but not on wikipedia.

It must be true.

based on something that annoys me.

'Based on a true story'

Those five words appear at the start of countless films, books and laundry detergent packagings.

Each word seems pretty easy to read yet, whenever they appear before me when I am in the vicinity of a wanker who finds themself to be 'intellectual' I have one repeated to me.

'SEEE ITS BASED!… ONLY BASED!'

Thanks.

No really, I thought that the film was not a dramatic retelling, rather the actual events transpiring with the persons involved having taken polyjuice potion to appear as my favourite celebs.

Run to the hills, Hitler has returned.

Seriously, thanks for the heads up.

, and we're back from a lengthy pause.

I was just wondering, why people, find it necessary to use, so many friggen commas.

The little voice, in my head just can't, cope.

I end up, reading everything, to myself, like that black kid off of Malcolm, in the, Middle.

check out that swagga

Its almost as annoying as when blogs use new lines instead of bothering with proper paragraph structure.

Oh, wait.

Conspiracy.

I don't how something so popular and crucial to the survival of the human race could disappear, just like that, without anyone noticing.

Maybe it got too big and so the corporations had to shut it down.

or Maybe it imploded from a great expansion in mass.

Now, every November 21st we must ask.

Where have aquarium screensavers gone?

Dear Prudence

Dear Internet,

May I please request you to refrain from writing letters to things not of a tangible nature.

This includes, but is not limited to:

Dear School, I like totally hate you.

Signed, dumb slag.

Internet, why do you hurt me so?

Love, Duke Scrotum-Face IIX

This is for your benefit as well as mine.

Sincerely,

Rory Stuart Ross Parker

Please note: when SkyNet takes over the second example will of course be acceptable.

Euthanasia.

I'm very pro-choice.

If someone wants an abortion, then golly gosh, they should be allowed.

And if someone is in pain, then I think it should be their right to decide.

But such a decision should be taken away in at least one case.

People who pronounce Target 'Tarjé' are deserving of being Euthanised, whether they have a death-wish or not.

The moral of this story?

Stop being wankers.

It's true.

"Cold showers? They're for psychotics."

(Alexander 1995, Seinfeld)

and on the seventh day...

Driving through Brisbane one can notice one thing.

The many, many churches scattered through.

I'd have absolutely no problem with this if not for the sickeningly awful signs out the front of each one.

"Brush up on your bible, it prevents truth decay"

"7 days without prayer makes 1 weak"

"Become an organ donor, give your heart to god"

"Lost? Use GPS - God's Plan of Salvation"

Eugh.

Signs like that don't convert me, but rather divert me.

They aren't funny and they aren't cute.

They aren't informative and they aren't clever.

So why.

They make me feel like Job.

The one church sign I can stomach.

Snippy snippy

As I'm sure you would have noticed, I hate everything.

One thing I hate more than most, is haircuts.

I got one today which, as usual, resulted in me looking like Elton John.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (and farewell good looks)

The hairdressers always attempt to give me a homosexual style; sweeping over the fringe, and gellin' up the back.

It doesn't suit me at all, but I guess it looks okay.

The factor not taken into consideration by the hairdresser, is that I'ma lazy turd.

Never am I going to product up my hair.

Never am I going to touch my hair.

So, this odd style sits flat on my oddly shaped head.

Now, rather than being Elton John's lovechild;

I look like Boris Karloff's incarnation of Frankenstein's monster.

Sitting in that chair, under the gay little apron (henceforth known as a gaypron), with my hair wet and combed over, I feel vulnerable.

If I were to be attacked by a minion of my nemesis, how would I be able to counter-attack?

That chair.

Its emasculating.

Like rather than cutting my hair they are cutting, well you know…

And the hairdressers can sense this.

Like a dog, hairdressers can smell fear.

So, they feel it necessary to spray a little water into my eyes, or blow-dry the crap out of my face.

The cruel, heartless twats.

I don't like talking to hairdressers and yet, for some reason, they want to know every detail of my personal life.

What school do you go to?

How old are you?

Doing anything rad today?

All of the above can be answered with two words.

Piss off.

Competitive wankers.

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise how talented you were.

NRL, AFL, Soccer and every other competitive sport possible, you play in.

Oh you don't?

Then why is it every bloody monday I have to put up with you telling us all about how your team won.

'Say, how'd the Bombers go on the weekend?'

"Mate… We bloody well won!"

'Struth, mate!'

Wankers.