A love/hat relationship

Hats are bizarre.

They can make a man look cool, but just easily make him look like a bell-end.

According to scientific research*, each style of hat (which isn't an ordinary baseball cap) will only look good on approximately 2% of the population. They're not very good odds.

So, if you're trying to look like Bogart, don't even bother. It probably won't work.

NNNAAIIILLEEDD IT!

The same goes for snapbacks.

I judge people based on how they dress (as everyone does), and whether the hat suits you or not, to me snapbacks are a sign of douchery. Seeing as you all where them, I will say that if I know you and you wear them, I don't care - they quite often look good. But if I don't know you, and that's the first impression I get - it won't be a good one.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I can't wear one without looking like a juicy turd.

What's even worse is when people where these hats inside and sit back thinking 'OH MY GOD IM SO FLY I HAVE SUN PROTECTION ON INDOORS IM SO GODDAMN SEXY I CANT EVEN COMPREHEND IT'. Dude. Come on. You look like a twat.

For starters, why is it necessary to wear it inside?

Secondly, our cultural etiquette states that wearing a hat indoors is rude. I don't see why, in fact I think it kind of dumb, but I like a lot of the chivalrous old-style etiquette and I hate seeing it die out.

Such a simple scene, but this is my favourite scene from all of Mad Men. Embedding has been disabled, so click here to watch it instead.

If you want to be cool, follow one simple rule:

BE DON DRAPER

I can see only one solution to these dilemmas.

Use sunscreen instead.

______________________

*that never took place

______________________

Edit: I just remembered that even the Sopranos takes a shot:

Lyk dis if you fink rb-b is bootiful xx

Rory's recipe for success on facebook:

Step One: Post a picture of someone with a disease, or cancer, or something that makes their physical appearance less than desirable.

Step Two: Set the caption as: 'Like and Share if you think this person is beautiful xx'.

Step Three: Sit back and watch the likes go up at an astronomical rate.

With this logic an image of John C Reilly could crash Facebook's servers.

Do these people actually look physically beautiful?

No.

Do we have any proof that these people are beautiful on the inside?

No.

In fact, philosopher Thomas Hobbes claimed that man is inherently evil - so the odds aren't in their favour. Heck, not all people diagnosed with cancer start to cherish life.

So why is it that these posts get more likes than I've ever seen on anything else? Because people want to look like they have a heart. I've noticed that most of the times (not all), its the image-obsessed dicks who like these images. The selfie-obsessed turds who care about themselves and no-one else. The ones who treat genuinely nice nerds like crap. Not the people who are genuinely nice people.

The same goes for liking pictures of aborted foetuses and tortured animals. The only thing you're doing is making me scroll faster.

I look like a heartless douche for this post, but its one of those things that really annoys me. If you want to show that you support the fight against cancer, donate a dollar to charity - don't sit at your computer thinking you're the archangel.

You can call me 'Mister Anthrope'

The rise of the idiots is upon us.

I guess there's always been a lot of bogan idiots in Australia, that's pretty much what we pride ourselves as a nation on, but its never really affected me before.

But thanks to Social Networking (and being a part of the State School system) its pretty much impossible to escape from.

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE

Today's textual tirade targets two types of these twits that tick me right off.

First off is the illiterate chain smoking/binge drinking dregs who feel the world needs to know of their intoxicant fetishes.

Oh you bought a Jaguar, did you?

Now, I like a drink as much as the next man, so I assume that I am missing a crucial part of the human genetic make-up - the part that makes me think it necessary to tell the world:

"I AM A MASSIVE BOGAN!"

The amount of tumblrs in which the entire bio fits a standard template is quite ridiculous.

Name:

Age:

Location:

I SMOKE WEED AND DURRIES AND DRINK ALCOHOL ^_^

If you aren't going to listen to this source (who is clearly a famed academic),

at least shut the hell up.

Secondly, I'd like to extend another 'shut the hell up' to those who feel that their uneducated opinions hold more weight than anyone else's.

Whenever a big event takes place - whether it be the death of a famous figure, a change in politics or economic collapse - teens with absolutely zero facts to back up their claims scuttle out from their nests and post their ridiculous views on the internet for all to see.

They then proceed to argue amongst themselves erupting into what appears to be a scene from '12 Angry Men'.

And guess who won the argument in that movie?

THE GUY WHO KNEW HE WASN'T DEFINITELY RIGHT

Natural selection, please extend your mighty hand this way.

You've probably never heard of her...

"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist."

- Ayn Rand (foreseeing the Rise of the Indies by nearly a century)

Correcting they're statuses? Your really smart.

The English language and the internet don't work well together.

Its really not hard to find a grammatical error on the web, they're is probably at least one on every page you read.

Especially on facebook.

Woah nelly.

You'll find that almost every second status has some incorrectly using words.

Your & You're.

Their, There & They're.

Its & It's.

Its pretty friggen annoying.

But do you know what's worse?

The intellectually gifted mastermind who can pick up on these insignificant grammatical flaws and correct the person on them.

Not even weaving in a hilariously subtle joke, rather commenting with a simple asterix followed by the correct word.

your.

The concept which I have trouble grasping, is why these pimples feel the need to make such corrections?

Does it feed the ego? Pathetic if it does.

Does it make them look smart? No.

Wait, strike that. It makes them look as sexy as Stephen Hawking, so in a way it kind of does make them look smart.

'I'm flying with fast food!'

Oh mortal, how you're insolence amuses me.

Yeah mate, yeah.

Why do songwriters think that the word 'yeah' is cool?

It's a load of dick.

The amount of songs which predominately feature the word 'yeah' is ridiculous.

And that's only the songs with only the word 'yeah'.

Doesn't even include 'yeh', 'yer' or 'oh yeah'.

Admittedly, back in the day my favourite song was a twelve-bar-blues where the lyrics were:

"Yeah" (x12) repeat as desired.

But then again, this was from a time when I thought that this was badass:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q7FFjUpVLg

Now, I desire nothing more than for less songs to be about a word which simply is an agreement.

Now, I'd rather be on the Challenger Space Shuttle than listen to that song again.

Misinterpretation.

I love puns.

I love double-entendres.

And so, I heart using the word seminal in assignments.

In my analysis of Noir and Neo-Noir films for a university assingment, I wrote:

"Miller and Rodriguez clearly draw their inspiration from the films of the noir movement, in particular Billy Wilder’s seminal work."

Obviously, as you all know, by seminal work, I'm referring to the 1944 classic 'Double Indemnity'.

My god, it is brilliant.

According to my faithful dictionary, seminal means "(of a work, event, moment, or figure) strongly influencing later developments : his seminal work on chaos theory."

But of course, there is another meaning. And being the foolish little schoolboy I pray that my tutor misinterprets it.

I've been told by many that my maturity is my best quality.

I've since realised that that is an insult.