Heterosexual Fornication and the City

How momentous.

As it stands according to Boxofficemojo, Sex and the City 2 has currently raked in $184 920 481 in the worldwide box office.

How splendid.

Sure, its going to fall very short of the first movie's $415 252 786 worldwide takings, but considering it only cost $100 000 000 to make, raking in $85 million that quickly is pretty good.

How swell.

On the topic, I'll tell you how much I liked Sex and the City.

On a scale of World News Australia to Breaking Bad, I'd give it a Danoz Direct.

That's how much I hate it.

Absolutely goddamn terrible show.

Let's list the shows good points:

#1. Rather jolly theme tune.

#2. -

And now, lets list the bad points:

#1. Characters - Holy crap, can you write anybody more hateable? Why would I want to watch selfish, middle-aged women brag to the others about how selfish and middle-aged they are?

I really can't be bothered writing every point I hate about the show, as it would take my blog's entire front page (and I'm sure you don't want to read it) so I'll skip to what I hate about it the most;

#86479. The vulgarity and hypocrisies this creates - Now I've watched my fair share of crazy things and grown somewhat of an immunity, yet Sex and the City still somehow repulses me. Several women I have spoken with have said that they were disgusted by films that I have thoroughly enjoyed, such as Clerks and Knocked Up who love the god-forsaken show. They reason that the aforementioned films are vulgar and sexist. Now, do tell how is a little sex-talk (and no explicit acts) worse than a show which episodes revolve around, organising three-somes, dildos and - wait for it -

… That ain't apple juice

- a urine fetish. For the love of the anti-christ, how can a urine fetish be a substantial plot element for a prime-time show loved by millions? To address the sexism, how can a film, for example Knocked Up about a 'smart' woman and 'bumbling bafoon' of a male character - who may talk about pussy a little (which is referred to on multiple occasions in Sex and the City as that dreaded word that rhymes with punt - my ears hurt just thinking about it) sexist as opposed to a show where the women spend their days discussing how they stuck it to the (objectified) man.

I'm not saying that there are no sexist shows against women, or even that there is equality in the industry - far, far from it - (see: this article), but hypocrisy sickens me.

And thats coming from a hypocrite.

How hypocritical.

Anonymously creepy.

Formspring is gay.

There, I said it.

I am yet to stumble across a formspring page on which the person has not gotten into a fight or been abused.

With every cross comes a few ticks, though.

Formspring is genius as it allows for manyhours of entertainment.

Not only can you stalk people by scrolling down their profile, you can ask them your deepest desires.

But that's not what I do.

Oh no.

I prefer to just try and be creepy.

If you're ever on a page and it says something simple such as "i lvoee your scent" (mistakes intentional) or "why did you throw out that apple after onlyfour bites, it tasted fine. the taste your lips gave it made it even better" (this is of course following an observant day) it was probably my boredom.

The thing is, when someone posts anonymously, the person whose page it is on wants to expect the asker to look like is hunk-a-licious.

For example, if I were to post on a girl's formspring: "Hot-dayum baby, you are yummy. Want to hook up?" the chick would be imagining the person to look like:

Exhibit A.

Now, posting "Watching you walk to your next class. Hoping you walk past so I can smell your sweet odour" will instantly make her feel cautious about all posts. Now rather than everyone appearing as Clint she would see Orson Welles in his later years:

Exhibit B - Please note: creepy old man beard

Dreams of a hunky lover gone.

Boredom gone.

Coinky-dink to the power of 3

This is an extraordinarily tale.

You'll probably faint, its that overwhelming.

Its taken me so long to document this because everytime I have attempted I've fallen into cardiac arrest mid sent--…..

You know that little thing called electricity that you take for granted?

This fable makes electricity about as exciting as a mule consuming wheat on a cloudy day.

The following events are real. To avoid possible head-explosion from the sheer awesomeness the subject's name has been changed to Wilfred Sampsonite.

It was a warm May afternoon.

Thursday May 6, 2010 to be precise.

Tyrone Steven Meaghan and I decided to attend Senior Options to see what it was like.

Bored, we left early and walked across to Woolworths.

Not finding what we were looking for here we decided to ride to the Strathpine branch of Sizzler, the family dining restaurant.

After being seated by a rather amusing little Irishman we began to stuff ourselves with Salad Bar.

As we sat there, looking like a homosexual couple in our pint-sized booth Tyrone pointed out a large man he noticed from the corner of his eyes.

He said what I was thinking, that he looked like Jay, from the films Clerks, Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (among others).

Jay on the top left (Silent Bob top right), and 'Wilfred Sampsonite' on the bottom

(Wilfred's identity has been protected)

Whilst we had a rather splendid day, noticing Wilfred was the high point of our day.

Anyway, whilst on an awesome scale this is an 11, the scale can be tipped further.

On the 8th of May 2010, at 00:26 a female friend of mine posted a status on facebook.

By 00:29, a man posted a reply comment.

I almost died.

For this man was Wilfred Sampsonite.

To make matters crazier, his display picture was taken that fateful day at Sizzler.

God have mercy on our souls.

Amazed, I instantly wrote a reply (aided by Tyrone), but debated replying.

On 9 May, 2010 at 22:35 I replied with the following comment.

Dear Mr Sampsonite, You have been a central part of an absolutely incredibly unlikely phenomenon that i am sure you are completely oblivious to.

On Thursday, 6 May 2010 one Tyrone Steven Meaghan and I, Rory Stuart Ross Parker attended a lunch at the Strathpine branch of the popular family restaurant chain, Sizzler.

After we were attended to by a humorous Irish fellow named **** Tyrone noticed a large feat of human perfection from the corner of his eye, and stated that he looked like Jay from the film Clerks.

I agreed.

This was quite possibly the highlight of our day.

Anyway, to cut things short, that person was you.

To our knowledge, we have never met, and yet we stumbled across you from *****s profile on facebook.

Surely there is a 100000000000 to 1 chance of this occurring, little alone us recognising you from your tiny profile photo.

Congratulations on altering my mind.

As of 7 June, 2010 at 21:00 I am awaiting a reply.

I'm dead inside.

_______________

Glad I just wasted your time making you read that?

I am too.

Rolled Quotes

Dante Hicks: "You hate people!"

Randal Graves: "But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

(Smith, 1994)

Story of my life.

You're a douche. (Parker, 2010, Online)

Don't quote yourself.

It makes you look like a jackass.

I've noticed upwards of 5 people quoting themselves on facebook, and I just encountered this foul deed when researching for an assignment.

That'd look good in an annotated bibliography: This source offers examples of the values and perspectives of others, through the use of quotes (all from the author).

It's entirely unnecessary, I know its you saying it.

Errol Flynn didn't thwart Prince John's tyrannous reign by quoting himself.

Do something more productive with your time...like collecting postage stamps.

:::…….::::..::.

Yesterday was bold and exciting for me.

For a child with no style, looking in clothing shops in the city was rather odd.

But out of all the bizarre styles and ridiculous outfits, one thing angered me.

Skirts.

Or the lack there of.

Why is it socially unacceptable for fellas to wear them?

See guys, it doesn't have to look gay!

Oh wait, bad example.

I think that the cool breeze blowing up through me bits on a warm summer day would be just delightful.

The only problem I can see is with the confusion such a fashion would cause with public bathroom signs.

Speaking of public bathrooms, last time I was out and about I noticed something ridiculous.

Outside, on the wall was braille which I am assuming said 'male'.

The ridiculous thing is that they expect that a blind person could find this?

After 20 minutes walking around, with your arms stretched out like the Creeper from Scooby Doo, trying to find a building there's a good chance you might have just soiled yourself.

Tooiilllett?

Let It Wash Away My Vanity

Well hey, good lookin'.

I'm in that mood where whenever you walk past a mirror you can't help but stop and check yourself out.

Oooh baby.

This is a rare occurrence for me, usually its more the 'jesus, get some style dickwit!' mood.

I have noticed however, that whenever I check myself out, I pull a face.

Mmmmm girl.

I even do it when I'm looking at myself on a window's reflection; the people inside must be thinking that I'm retarded, or from New Zealand.

What sort of person would invent the mirror?

I don't mean what sort of person invented a reflective surface, but who invented a surface, solely used for reflections.

They would have been quite possibly the vainest person who ever lived.

Sure, everybody likes looking at themselves, but to be the first person to put a piece of glass in their room, solely for viewing pleasure must have been a twat.

Imagine the conversation upon a person seeing a mirror in a house for the first time…

'Say…What's this?'

"I call it a mirror"

'What does it do?'

"Oh, you know, you can look at yourself in it"

'You certainly can. What else does it do?'

"Nothing…you just look at yourself in it."

'Ummm, okay?'

*note to self: never talk to this vain douche bag again.

Speaking of weird inventions, I'd like to know who drank cow's milk for the first time.

I mean, come on.

I assume that they were a few spoons short of a cutlery set.

I can't help but wonder if they bought the cow dinner before hand?

How's this for a business proposal?

I cultivate your lactation, and in return, give you grass.

And don't get me started on the person who invented enemas.