That yellow bastard.

Film is a delicate piece of material.

When in possession of film you must follow three simple rules:

1. Film is not to bent

2. Film is not to be stored within certain temperate regions; and

3. Film is not to be exposed to sunlight.

Three simple rules; and yet for some bizarre reason people must be failing these?

That's the only way I can explain the growing trend of yellow photography being uploaded to facebook.

It can't be because people think it looks good, for it doesn't.

It's not polaroid, well it might have been originally, but its been changed.

People who take digital shots must be storing their photos in really well-lit folders.

Three simple rules.

And you broke them.

So, you get nothing.

You lose.

Good day Sir.

I SAID GOOD DAY

;)

"[…]The winking face is the mark of a moron"

(Bird 2008, The Inbetweeners)

Heads down. Thumbs up.

I hate walking.

More so, I hate walking past people.

When a person approaches you head on you have two choices.

1. Smile, and acknowledge by saying, "muhm"

or

2. Find something more interesting to look at and stare at that.

This may include a mobile telephone; or more commonly, feet. I have a suspicion that random passer-bys think I must have an autoerotic foot fetish, for my feet are a loved Point of Interest to stare at.

Poor Marty Feldman only had option 1 available.

I prefer walking towards someone head on, then from behind.

I find that I walk slowly, yet as soon as there is someone in front of me I feel the need to speed up.

And yet, I cannot.

If I choose to overtake, I look and feel like a massive wanker.

Olympic Speed Walker Style: Engaged.

colon, close brackets.

MSN has killed grammar.

Just look at this blog for God's sake.

Grotesque, disjunct sentences.

Improper use of capital letters in titles.

And even starting sentences with 'and'.

How dare me.

MSN speak, if necessary, should be limited to the internet.

You sound like a twat saying 'LOL', 'ROFL' and 'Smiley-face'.

I caught myself doing it the other day.

Upon realisation, I confined myself to 'the machine' from the Princess Bride (Best. Movie. Ever.) for several days.

I even went so far as to turn it up to 5

to finally find what it does to a man.

People over the age of 30 shouldn't be allowed on social networking services such as MSN and facebook.

For some reason, passing your twenties means that rather than just adding a comment you add an essay.

Instead of one question mark, you put twenty.

Returns can be replaced by '……………..'

And rather than the standard emoticons, such as :) and :P you feel the need to add a nose.

Only add a nose if you wish for :-| to symbolise Roman Polanski.

…and what's the deal with airline food?

I hate planes.

Why is that they can spend billions of dollars designing an aero-dynamic wonder, yet they can't give you leg room.

Bastards.

And to top that off, they allow the seats to recline?

Dirty bastards.

Seriously, what sort of douche thinks that they are all high-and-mighty enough that they can recline?

Dirty, rotten bastards.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've spent about 30 hours in the air.

You can call me the Red Baron.

But due to my unfortunate skin tone that could be taken as rude and offensive.

So watch your tongue, you insensitive ass.

...so call me Charlie Lindbergh instead.

Anyway, these flights led me to China.

What bizarre people.

Everywhere I went they'd be coming up to me asking for photographs.

That's like if I went up to some random asian at the shops and asked 'for photograph'.

I didn't know this blog was so popular.

Lemon, lime and bitches

Warm Friday afternoons are when an ancient evil is awoken.

The bogan.

I really hate the people who sit on facebook asking about open-house parties for the coming weekend.

They think they're cool but…really?

Not enough friends to invite them out, not enough life to entertain themselves at home.

I believe it relates to the freudian theorem of 'daddy issues'

Parties are overrated anyway.

The majority is just dumb little skanks drinking as much cordial (0.00001% alcohol) until they throw up.

You're cool.

Everyone knows that lemon, lime and bitters is the goddess of the fluid kingdom.

Being for the Benefit of Your Ears.

I'll admit it, I never really liked the Beatles until about two years ago.

But that's because I'd never really listened to them.

All I'd ever really listened to were the songs everyone knows, 'Yellow Submarine' and 'Octopus's Garden' (which are both Ringo's for some bizarre reason).

Now listen closely my dears.

This is where your education begins.

The Beatles are amazing. Its that simple.

Whatever sort of song that you feel like, they've done.

Feel like an Angus and Julia Stone-esque song? - Listen to Julia and Blackbird right this instant.

City and Colour? - I've Just Seen a Face is where its at. (Same chord sequence as 'the girl', just up a tone)

Foo Fighters? - Helter Skelter is the song for you.

When I first started my renaissance of Beatles listening the first songs I fell for were Can't Buy Me Love and All My Loving. But, due to their amazing cattledog of songs could have a new favourite each week!

Having just finished last week's love for LSD-induced songs (I am the Walrus and Being For the Benefit of Mr Kite) this week's favourite is George's I Me Mine.

The vocals change so much too, Norwegian Wood is soft and pleasant, as opposed to the powerful Why Don't We Do It In The Road?, Twist and Shout and Yer Blues.

Its crazy how amazing they are really. According to Guinness World Records, the song with the most cover versions ever is Yesterday. And their songs even sound good in other languages. Across the Universe has a Sanskrit chant, and the fab four themselves even recorded two songs in German, I particularly love the German version of 'I Want to Hold Your Hand'.

When you go to JB tomorrow to buy every Beatles album recorded, I suggest you don't start with Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Its an amazing album, don't get me wrong, but its a wee bit crazy. Listen to A Day in the Life and you'll see what I mean. Walk before you can run.

So Hey Bulldog, I Want You to Help! yourself and listen to the Beatles, because that's all you need.

Here comes the sun, for I've shown you the light.

Listen my pretties, and fall in love.

*26 songs linked to, have fun kiddos.

__________

I know a lot of people won't like this post, as it is no way humorous and just may not appeal to your tastes.

But that's because you suck.